i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
