Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
