I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
