Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
