I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I see more hoeing in ur future
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