I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
