Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
