I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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