I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
