So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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