Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
