Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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