he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
