I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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