before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
