just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
