i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
