I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
