I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
