I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize