While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
