i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
