I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
