Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sorry my hands just texted you
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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