You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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