Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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