Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
