God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
