My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
