can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
