and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
