You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
