Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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