She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
