So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
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