It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
