Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
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