can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
