Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
