I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
