3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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