I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
