He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
