we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
