My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
did i just pee glitter
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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