Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
