i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
