She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
