I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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