My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
