I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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