I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
