dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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