Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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