think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
