wakey wakey hands off snakey
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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