you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
