Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
