i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
