i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
