Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
