I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
